This book explores the unique group of elders, age 55 and older, who practice some form of consensual non-monogamy. It covers both the joys and challenges of multiple relationships for elders. Poly elders have the complexities of juggling multiple relationships, as well as managing all the issues of aging: managing medical conditions and disabilities (their own and/or their partners'), caregiving responsibilities for aging relatives, grieving the deaths of parents, siblings, and partners, retiring from careers and starting new lives, and/or moving into some form of senior living. Elders appear to be the fastest-growing segment of the polyamorous community. About one-fifth of Americans have been in a polyamorous relationship at some point, and around 5% currently are practicing it. Many elders have practiced polyamory for over 40 years, and are currently in stable, very long-term relationships. The book provides anecdotes from poly elders' lives, including the constellation of relationships surrounding each individual, couple, or triad. It explores how their relationships develop and evolve. Many of the issues that face older poly folks are issues directly related to aging, but they usually have a uniquely poly "spin" to them that can make them more complex and challenging.
Kathy Labriola is a counselor, nurse, and hypnotherapist in a private practice in Berkeley, California, providing affordable mental health services to people in non-traditional relationships for the past 30 years, including the poly, kink, LGBTQ, and sex worker communities. She is the author of Love in Abundance: A Counselor's Advice on Open Relationships, The Jealousy Workbook, and The Polyamory Break-up Book: Causes, Survival. She has been a political activist and a card-carrying bisexual and polyamorist for 50 years. She is "extra crunchy" and lives in a housing cooperative, where she bikes, raises chickens, and grows organic vegetables. Her personal website is www.kathylabriola.com.
Introduction What is the Prevalence of Polyamory Among Elders? "The Greatest Generation" and the "Baby Boomers" Intersectionality and Poly Elders Studies that Attempt to Fill in the Gaps on Information about Poly Elders Research Methods The Demographics of Case Studies and Examples Presented of Poly Elders Part I: What Challenges are Most Common for Poly Geezers? Chapter 1: First of All, Sex! The Changing Nature of Sex for Poly Geezers Case Study #1: Elise The Challenges of Sex for Poly Geezers Joshua's Story Ginny's story Case Study #2: Danilo Case Study #3: Anastasia Jesse's story Case Study #4: Libby Strategies Developed by Poly Elders to Solve the Sexual Changes of Aging Case Study #5: Jake and Nora Case Study #6: Joseph Case Study #7: Sita Marilyn's Story Case Study #8: Lise Jana's Story Being Poly can Help Couples Navigate Sexual Problems and Find Delightful Solutions Case Study #9: Jordan and Lourdes Case Study #10: Dolly and Jim Chapter 2: Some Poly People Shift to Monogamy as They Age Case Study #1: Mary and Gene Case Study #2: Vicky and Bart Case Study #3: Terry and Randy Chapter 3: Poly Elders and Celibacy: Is There a Contradiction? What's Sex Go to Do With It? Flourishing Poly Relationships, But Without the Sex! Case Study #1: Paul, Stacey, and Daniel Case Study #2: Francois, Audrey, and Jeannie Case Study #3: Jerome and Raphael Case Study #4: LaRhonda and Beeandra Chapter 4: The Curious Phenomenon of Successful Older Poly-Mono Couples Case Study #1: Rachel, Matt, and Jerry Case Study #2: Lauren and Kumar Case Study #3: Ayisha, Betty, and Roger Case Study #4: Geraldine and Dre Case Study #5: Sharon, Benny, and Pam The Unique Benefits of Poly Relationships for Older Monogamous Women Cautionary Tales on the Challenges of a Mono/Poly Relationship Case Study #6: Shirley: Case Study #7: Hazel A Few Other Older Women's "Short Takes" on the Benefits of Mono/Poly Relationships Chapter 5: Elders Trying to Explain Polyamory to Their Adult Kids Case Study #1: Nancy, Emma, and Carrie Case Study #2: Jon Chapter 6: Older People Who Were "Poly Before Polyamory Was Invented" Case Study #1: Harry and Hope Case Study #2: Linda, Bruce, and Cliff Case Study #3: Danielle and Valentino Case Study #4: Frank, Lisa, and Crystal Chapter 7: Conflicts Over a Partner's Adult Children and/or Grandchildren Case Study #1: Lucy, Reginald, and Jim Case Study #2: Betsy, Stella, and Ginger Part II: Retirement and Its Effects on Polyamorous Relationships Chapter 8: When One Person is Already Retired and the Other Eventually Decides to Retire Case Study #1: Warren, Jen, and Aja Case Study #2: Karen, Benjamin, and Louellen Chapter 9: When One Partner Retires but One or More Partners are Still Working Case Study #1: Joe, Martha, Jerry, and Anita Case Study #2: Kelly, Bill, Phil, and Sue Chapter 10: Retirement Can Create More Time and Energy for Poly Relationships, and Poly Geezers are Pretty Good at Time and Energy Management Dan's Story Poly Geezers Tend to Have Excellent Time and Energy Management Skills John's Story Case Study #1 Blanche Case Study #2: Tommy, Janet, and Bertha Are Elders Good at Polyamory or is Polyamory Good for Elders? Chapter 11: Retirement Can Shine a Spotlight on Incompatibilities Ricardo and Maria's Story Case Study #1: Joanna, Buddy, Harriet, and Tad Part III: When Poly Elders Want (or Need) to Move into Senior Living Facilities Chapter 12: Poly Elders Fear Discrimination and Hostility in Senior Housing Case Study #1: Joanne, Jay, and Patsy Case Study #2: Pierre and Pharell Case Study #3: Miriam Stan and Martin's Story Case Study #4: Ellen, Jamie, and Evie Chapter 13: What are the Options for Polys in Senior Living? Sex-Positive Senior Housing: Is That an Oxymoron? Elder Care Professionals' Perspectives on Poly Elders and Senior Living Facilities Lessons from the Experience of LGBTQ Elders in Senior Living Facilities Case Study #1: Russell, Matilda, and Ray Case Study #2: Evelyn, Lou, and Nikki Senior Cohousing Communities May Be a Poly-Friendly Senior Housing Option Part IV: Poly Geezers Coping with Health Problems and Disabilities Chapter 14: The Effects of Medical Conditions on Poly Elders and Relationships Case Study #1: Rhonda, Josh, and Sarona Medical Conditions Complicate the Logistics and Romance of Poly Relationships Katie's Story Case Study #2: Rajah, Sabre, Rachel, and Dasan Tanika and Katherine's Story Case Study #3: Miles, Shane, and Art Paul's Story Case Study #4: Jacinda, Maddy, and Millie Chapter 15: Care-Giving Responsibilities for Elderly Relatives "Younger Elders" with Responsibilities for Elderly Parents Case Study #1: Wanda and Amelia Case Study #2: Orit, Aryeh, and Donna Sue Remi's Story No "one right answer" for caring for elderly parents Case Study #3: Keiko, Rich, and Frank Case Study #4: Robbie Strategies and Planning for Successful Caregiving Chapter 16: Additional Advantages for Poly Elders through Caregiving, Grief and Mourning Kate, Gustav, and Phillip's Story Chapter 17: Twenty-First Century Pandemics and Poly Elders: Lessons from the Age of COVID How are Poly Elders Coping in the Age of COVID-19? Case Study #1: Lindsey, Jose, and Maris The Impact of Isolation and Loneliness on Poly Elders Due to COVID Case Study #2: Myrna Case Study #3: Mary Jo, Emile, and Hallie Case Study #4: Joan, Juan, and June Marlene and Mary's Story Case Study #5: Kimberly, Frank, and Iris Anita's Story Case Study #6: Amy Ann, Zekia, and Shelley Internet Dating in the Midst of a Pandemic Blythe's Story Sumati Sparks' Pandemic Dating Advice Case Study #7: Rosalinda, Xavier, and Gemina Internet Dating May Morph into Dating IRL (In Real Life) Case Study #8: Moira, Guillermo, and Lee Chapter 18: Poly Mutual Aid: Elders' Polycules Come Through for Them During the Pandemic Rashida's story Case Study #1: Lucille, Duncan, and Kara Poly Elders Find Stronger Support from their Polycules Case Study #2: Lei Case Study #3: Sarah, Rashi, and Harlan Poly Elders' Experience with Grief and Loss During the Pandemic Liliana's Story Parting Words on the COVID Pandemic and Poly Elders Part V: Polyamory and the Developmental Tasks of Aging Chapter 19: What Are the Developmental Tasks for Poly Elders? Case Study #1: Hans and Meg Chapter 20: Poly Geezers Creating a New Life "Post-Career and Post-Kids" Case Study #1: Shereen, Ranil, and Denise Chapter 21: Life Review as a Developmental Task for Poly Geezers Case Study #1: Marcus, Gwen, and Lola Coles' Story Case Study #2: Debbie Chapter 22: Poly Elders Accepting the Deaths of Loved Ones, and Their Own Mortality Case Study #1: Geri, Frank, and Angela Case Study #2: Alonzo Case Study #3: Deonte, Linden, Lon, and John Case Study #4: Louise and Natalie Poly Elders' Unique Experience of the Developmental Tasks of Aging Chapter 23: Legal and Financial Issues for Poly Elders: Estate Planning, Advance Directives, and Other Strategies to Protect Poly Families Advance Health Care Directives Durable Power of Attorney Wills Estate Planning Advice from Poly-Friendly Attorneys Divorce or the Demise of a Poly Relationship Strategies to Mitigate the High Cost of Care Marta's Story Poly Elders Need to Talk About "The Three D's"-Disability, Death, and Divorce Chapter 24: A Few Parting Words and Directions for Further Study Appendix I: List of Books on Consensual Nonmonogamy, Open Relationships, and Polyamory (Compiled by Sonia Song) References Index About the Author
As a Relational Therapist who works with polyamorous clients, I was delighted to read Polyamorous Elders. This book offers a comprehensive and evidence-based guide to better understand the lived experiences of aging polyamorous folks. After reading Polyamorous Elders, I believe that practitioners will be more equipped to facilitate effective individual and relational therapeutic services to polyamorous clients. -- Carling Mashinter, MSc, registered psychotherapist, Relationship Matters Therapy Centre Having enjoyed Kathy Labriola's previous work, I was delighted to read her latest. She approaches polyamorous relationships with an accessible, thoughtful, and deft sense of compassion and thorough research. -- Rosie Wilby, author of Is Monogamy Dead? and The Breakup Monologues This text is a readable and engaging look into the lives of polyamorous elders. It is suitable for researchers or clinical practitioners hoping to apply the work, but would also serve well as an entranceway for academics and students investigating sex and aging and looking for more data and overall consideration of polyamorous relationships. A timely topic deserving of more attention. -- Jeanne Marie Kusina, interim director of The Center for Excellence in Teaching and Learning; Distinguished University Lecturer, The University of Toledo This book is engaging, accessible, expansive, and detailed. Obviously, it helps that the topic is fascinating, but Labriola presents these issues and cases in a straightforward and non-judgmental fashion. I routinely had my assumptions challenged even though I consider myself open-minded and have studied polyamory and human sexuality for several years. The strengths of this text include the author's expertise and clinical experience, the broad variety of polyamorous relationships presented, sympathetic attention to their challenges, and the good faith effort to honor intersectionality so as to sufficiently represent as many polyamorous people and relationships as possible. -- Albert Spencer, Communications Director, Society for the Advancement of American Philosophy and assistant professor, Department of Philosophy, Portland State University This book uniquely considers the special needs and outlook of people 55+ who identify as polyamorous. Not just an overview or a self-help book, the approach and information are very well-supported from the author's deep knowledge of polyamory, polyamorous communities, and her ongoing work with aging clients. -- Annalisa Castaldo, associate professor of English, Director of Gender, Women, and Sexuality Studies, Widener University This is an essential guide for counselors, therapists and healthcare professionals working with polyamorous clients. The author has managed to address so many issues, from sex life to retirement to facing death and grief, and has done so insightfully, drawing on several case studies. As a family therapist and an openly polyamorous person over 50, I am thrilled to see this book finally out in the world! -- Alex Iantaffi, PhD, MS, SEP, CST, LMFT, award-winning author of Gender Trauma: Healing Cultural, Social, and Historical Gendered Trauma and independent scholar In Polyamous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships, Kathy Labriola gives us an intimate window into the lives of older individuals whose zest for life still burns bright. Whether for love, sex, companionship or all of the above, older individuals know they have earned the right to choose the path that fits them best and enables them to enjoy levels of satisfaction and bliss that often elude the younger and less experienced. My wish for you, dear reader, is that these personal stories will inspire you to live your life to its very fullest regardless of your age. -- Veronica Monet, ACS, author, coach, and founder of The Shame Free Zone As both an aspiring "polygeezer" and CNM (consensual non-monogamy) psychologist, this volume spoke to my heart and my practice. Labriola's work opens up the often untold stories of polyamorous elders and allows us to learn from their lived experiences and worlds. The accounts Labriola shares are multifaceted and honest portrayals of the distinct challenges polyamorous elders face and the ways that they are navigated! -- Elizabeth Duke, PsyD
